SIX PHASES OF WORKING

Phase 1

You are listening to jazz -- Your first day at work is great. Your co-workers are wonderful, your cubicle is cute, you love your boss, and your President is the best!


Phase 2

You are listening to pop music -- After a while you are so busy that you are not sure if you're coming or going anymore.

Phase 3

You are listening to heavy metal -- This is what happens after about SIX Months!

Phase 4

You are listening to hip hop -- You become bloated due to stress, you're gaining weight due to lack of exercise because you are so tired and have so much work to do and when you get home you have more work to do. You feel sluggish and suffer from constipation. Your fellow coworkers are too cheerful for your liking and the walls of your cubicle are closing in.

Phase 5

You are listening to GANGSTA RAP -- After more time passes, your eyes start to twitch, you forget what a 'good hair day' feels like as you just fall out of bed and load up on caffeine.

Phase 6

You are listening to the voices in your head -- You have locked the office door to keep people out, You wonder WHY you are even here in the first place and WHY did I come to work today!

PASS THIS ON TO FELLOW COWORKERS WHO NEED A GOOD LAUGH.............

Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with them.

GOD'S AMAZING PHARMACY

This is absolutely amazing - and makes perfect sense!! When you truly think about it!

*****************************
A friend sent this to me. It's been said that God first separated the salt water from the fresh, made dry land, planted a garden, made animals and fish... all before making a human. He made and provided what we'd need before we were born. These are best & more powerful when eaten raw. We're such slow learners...

God left us great clues as to what foods help what part of our body!
God's Pharmacy! Amazing!
A sliced Carrot looks like the human eye. The pupil, iris and radiating lines look just like the human eye... and YES, science now shows carrots greatly enhance blood flow to and function of the eyes.
A Tomato has four chambers and is red. The heart has four chambers and is red. All of the research shows tomatoes are loaded with lynchpin and are indeed pure heart and blood food.

Grapes hang in a cluster that has the shape of the heart. Each grape looks like a blood cell and all of the research today shows grapes are also profound heart and blood vitalizing food.
A Walnut looks like a little brain, a left and right hemisphere, upper cerebrums and lower cerebellums. Even the wrinkles or folds on the nut are just like the neo-cortex. We now know walnuts help develop more than three (3) dozen neuron-transmitters for brain function.
Kidney Beans actually heal and help maintain kidney function and yes, they look exactly like the hu man kidneys.
Celery, Bok Choy, R hu barb and many more look just like bones. These foods specifically target bone strength. Bones are 23% sodium and these foods are 23% sodium. If you don't have enough sodium in your diet, the body pulls it from the bones, thus making them weak. These foods replenish the skeletal needs of the body.
Avocados, Eggplant and Pears target the health and function of the womb and cervix of the female - they look just like these organs. Today's research shows that when a woman eats one avocado a week, it balances hormones, sheds unwanted birth weight, and prevents cervical cancers. And how profound is this? It takes exactly nine (9) months to grow an avocado from blossom to ripened fruit. There are over 14,000 photolytic chemical constituents of nutrition in each one of these foods (modern science has only studied and named about 141 of them).
Figs are full of seeds and hang in twos when they grow. Figs increase the mobility of male sperm and increase the numbers of Sperm as well to overcome male sterility.
Sweet Potatoes look like the pancreas and actually balance the glycemic index of diabetics.
Olives assist the health and function of the ovaries
Oranges, Grapefruits, and other Citrus fruits look just like the mammary glands of the female and actually assist the health of the breasts and the movement of lymph in and out of the breasts.
Onions look like the body's cells. Today's research shows onions help clear waste materials from all of the body cells. They even produce tears which wash the epithelial layers of the eyes. A working companion, Garlic, also helps eliminate waste materials and dangerous free radicals from the body.

Please don't break this even if you only send it to one person. Look at the date when this was started. Thanks


NOTICE AT THE END, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED.
GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS.

I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable ---



This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.

Someone who loves you helped to keep it alive by sending it to you.

Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope And Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!

I received this today for the 1st time and I hope it comes back someday again.

Please keep this candle alive!

TRUE CONFESSIONS

Confession #1

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his Priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The Priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The Priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The Priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession #2

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned….'

The Priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The Priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The Priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Confession #3

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old... I'm telling everybody!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Muldoon's Dog Has Died...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company…

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish Priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ye' be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ye' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ye'tell me the dog was Catholic?'

TAWA MUNA TAYO!

Pedro & Juan.. Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!
Juan: Maniwala ako?!
Pedro: Totoo!
Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?
Pedro: Asin!

Tatay to anak..
TATAY: Bagsak ka na nman! Ba't di mo gayahin si Pedro? Palaging may honor.
ANAK: Unfair naman kung ikumpara nyo ako kay Pedro.
TATAY: Bakit naman?
ANAK: Matalino Tatay nun

Tatay: Anak, ibili mo nga ako ng softdrink
Anak: Coke o Pepsi?
Tatay: Coke
Anak: Diet o Regular?
Tatay: regular
Anak: Bote o in can?
Tatay: Bote
Anak: 8 oz o litro?
Tatay:Bwiset, tubig na nga lang.
Anak: Mineral o distilled?
Tatay: Mineral.
Anak: Malamig o hindi?
Tatay: Hahampasin na kita ng walis eh!
Anak: Tambo o tingting?
Tatay: Hayop ka!
Anak: Baka o kambing?

Mental patient is singing while lying in his hospital bed. After a song, he turns face down to sing again.
NURSE: Bakit ka bumaliktad?
PATIENT: Side B na kasi eh.

ANAK: 'Nay, sabi ng titser ko ang ina ay ILAW NG TAHANAN. Eh ano naman po ang tawag sa ama?
INA: (aburido) Sabihin mo sa ma'am mo, ang AMA ang taga-PUNDI NG ILAW!!!

Doc: iho, bakit mu naman sinapak ung lalaki kanina?
Boy: e Doc, nakita niya na ninenerbyos ako sa resulta ng AIDS test tapos sasabihin pa niya... THINK POSITIVE!

Mahirap intindihin ang mga Kano kasi sa kanila ang malambot "SoP", ang sabaw "SoP", ang sabon "SoP" pa rin.

ANAK: 'Tay , anong pagkakaiba ng Supper at Dinner?
ITAY: Anak, pagkumain tayo sa labas, Dinner 'yun. Pag dito tayo kakain ng luto ng Mommy mo, Suffer yon!!

What would happen if you have a wooden car with wooden wheels, a wooden chair and a wooden engine?
It wooden start!!!

Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Pinoy: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Pinoy: Aybegurpardon? Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquil.

Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali,

Elpidio:
E as in Elpidio,
L as in lpidio,
P as in pidio,
I as in idio,
D as in dio,
I as in io, and
O as in o.

Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Pinoy: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel:

A as in Airport agen,
B as in Because,
A as in airport agen,
N as in enemy,
Q as in Cuba ,
U as in Europe ,
E as in important, and
L as in elephant.

Waiter: What kind of coffee would you like, regular or decaf?
Pinoy: No, Big cup!! Big cup!
Waiter: What would you like for your breakfast?
Pinoy: Hameneggs.
Waiter: And how do you like your eggs, sir?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I like dem beri much.
Waiter: No sir, I mean how would you like them cooked?
Pinoy: Yes, tenkyu. I wud like dem cooked.
Waiter: (with increasing impatience) Would you like your eggs...fried? poached? hard boiled or soft boiled?
Pinoy: (with increasing uneasiness) Yes, one fried en one hard boiled or sop boiled.
Waiter: And what bread would you like?
Pinoy: Begyurpardon?
Waiter: What kind of bread would you like? white? rye? whole wheat? toast?
Pinoy: Pan Americano

Waiter: We don't have that.
Pinoy: Okey, gib me taystee.
Waiter: We don't have that either, sir.
Pinoy: Do you heb pan de lemon or bonete?
Waiter: Sir, you are wasting my time. I shall ask for the last time, what would you like for breakfast?
Pinoy: Donut plis....

Two married men talking...
1st man: Swerte ko, my wife is an angel.
2nd man: Buti ka pa, ako ang asawa ko buhay pa.

Anak : Tays! kakains nas tayos!
Tatay : Hoy! Tigilan mo yang kalalagay mo ng 'S' sa mga sinasabi mo ha ! Ano ba ang ulam ?
Anak : BANGU na may KAMATI, ARDINA na may IBUYA !

BISAYA 1 : Unsay ibig sabihon ng "cooling place"?
BISAYA 2 : Pag-naga ring ang fon, sabihon mo: "Hilow, hus cooling place?"

A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink. When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, "Whoever can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' in a creative sentence can have me for tonight."

So the Chinese guy says "I love liver and cheese." She says "That's not good enough"
The Japanese man says "I hate liver and cheese" She says "That's not creative"

Finally, the Filipino says "Liver alone, cheese mine!"

How do you know if siopao meat is made of cat, rat or dog?
Pinch a piece of siopao and let the cat smell it.
If the cat likes it...rat!
If it doesn't...cat!
If it runs...dog!

What's the difference between corruption in the USA and corruption in the Philippines ?
In the US , they go to jail. In the Philippines, they go to US!

Bakit laging Intsik ang kinikidnap?
Kasi pag Pinoy - hulugan!
Pag Bumbay - 5-6!
Pag Kano - credit card!
E pag Intsik - C.O.D.!!!!


Lulubog na ang barko...
PARI: San Pedro, San Jose ...
MADRE: Sta. Fe, Sta. Lucia, Sta. Clara...
INTSIK: lubok na balko! tawak pa kayo pasahelo!