When my uncle saw the first picture of me and her together, he cried. He said: “That’s what love looks like. That’s what love is SUPPOSED to look like.” He cried because of the way she looked at me, and the way I looked at her. It was beautiful to him. My mother saw it, too. My grandfather saw it as well. Everyone saw it. Everyone felt it. We had something beautiful.
She made scrap books with our photos together. Cooked me my favorite meals. She did so many amazing things that I just… didn’t appreciate as fully as I should have. Now I regret it. Because I feel like I let her down. And losing her I feel like… I did not make the most of our time together. Did not cherish the times enough. I never realized how short it would be. How could I have known?
You think “forever” means “forever”. Til death do us part. But it was me. I did us part. Now that loving look, she gives it to another man. Those hugs, another man gets them. She walks by a beach and it’s not me she walks with. It’s him. Because he appreciates her in ways I failed to do. I can make excuses. Excuses are easy to make. None of them undo my actions. None of them make up for it. Let alone turn back the clock. It’s done. I’m done.
And I still write and I still try to contribute to the world. But sometimes I feel like I am done for because the most beautiful, special, meaningful thing that was ever given to me… I broke it. It was her heart. Everything she did and I did not enjoy or appreciate fully. Every mean word. Every casual dismissal. The messes I’d make and not fix. The dirty sinks. The clothes, thrown around. The evenings out drinking while she had to fend for herself with the kids.
She was so young. I was, too, but it’s no excuse. We’re so clueless, before. Things broke to a such a degree that nothing could mend those cracks. Things broke. Hearts broke. Our marriage broke. And she deserves it, you know? Her freedom. She deserves it. To make the most of it. To make the most of her life. And to be loved, again, by someone else. It’s okay. It’s okay it’s over. It’s alright. I accept it. Fully.
And yet, as much as I accept it? I regret. Regret the things I failed to do, the mistakes I made, and above all… my lack of appreciation. My lack of being “in the moment” as much as I should be. Because I should be. I should live in the moment. I should live in the moment. I should really, truly, live. You know, here on Quora, I am escaping things again. I am writing, when I should be out, living. I am waiting. I am distracting myself. I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m tired, of not doing the things I know I should do. I’m tired. In general.
This just started off as an answer about what I regret most in life. But I think, I need to do a little more than just write. I need to act. That is what I need to do. That is what I will do.
Time is going by so quickly and I am NOT well, at all. I will be, eventually. Life goes on. The world keeps turning. Whatever happens, that I know. But right now? I cannot write. I cannot. I need to be with my loved ones. I need to hold them close to me and I need to hug them and I need to tell them I love them. Moving abroad, I will not see some of them anymore. I will miss them. They may pass away when I am half a world away. Others, we will drift away from one another. Take different roads, different turns in life.
And I am done writing for a while. I am done being on my phone. I am done being behind a laptop screen. I am done burying my nose in books. Or downing beer, after beer, after beer, telling jokes, making people laugh… entertaining people… knowing it is all, ultimately, pointless. Knowing that, when the visitors leave, the friends go away, I am left alone, awake, sad, and feeling even emptier than before their visit.
She gave me a look of love, once, a look I did not deserve. A love I did not deserve. She gave me three beautiful children. Children who I did not deserve. The title of father, of husband, which I did not deserve. Now I have to go out into the world and earn it. I want to be forgiven for my sins. I want to do good works. I want to live a life that is meaningful, not one of empty debauchery and pleasure. I want to deserve that love she gave me… in retrospect. So that one day, when I meet her again, when I am old and grey, perhaps, she can be proud of me. She can smile at me. And we can hold each other. And I will be the man I needed to be.
The man my family and loved ones thought I was. Well guess what, I wasn’t. Thank you all for reading my answers, Quora followers and casual readers. I am glad you went on a little journey with me. I am glad you read my answers. Our interactions were meaningful and beautiful and worthwhile. I enjoyed my time here but right now? I just can’t. Right now I need to listen to gloomy lyrics, contemplate in silence. Be there for those I love. And… live.
Once my uncle cried, because he recognized a love that long eluded him. A love I failed to appreciate. Now I’m the one crying, because I lost it. And I don’t want to be the person I am right now. I want to be more. Better. In the background, Elton John sings “Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen”. He’s right. They are the sweetest eyes I have ever seen. Seen them nearly every day of my life for eight years. I cannot in good conscience remain here another second when I still have a few short days left to look into them, and here I am tooting my own horn, worshipping at the altar of my own awesomeness, when I’m not. I’m a fraud.
So I guess this is my goodbye. I cannot stay here and be here and steal another second off my precious time. Goodbye, everybody. You will read from me again. But not now. Now I am too sad. I have people to hug. I have people to spend time with. Time is limited. Love is so fleeting. Don’t hold it in, okay? Cherish every second. You cannot avoid regret, but please try your best sweet people. I love you all.
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