I love this question. I am a practicing Buddhist*, and I grew up believing I was ugly. Mean kids often told me I was ugly. I was a scrawny, nerdy kid who, as a teenager and well into my 20s, couldn’t attract a girlfriend. I finally got into a relationship in my late 20s, and, 30 years later, I’m still in it. My wife is beautiful, and she chooses to be with me, but even all those decades of love and acceptance can’t erase the body-image issues from my formative years. I doubt I’ll ever see myself as attractive.
Before talking about the “Buddhist perspective,” I want to say that there really isn’t a Buddhist perspective on anything. Because Buddhism isn’t a dogmatic religion. Rather, all of its teachings are basically a “How to Meditate” manual. It’s in meditation that Buddhism “happens.” Which means that Buddhism can only “exist” in the moment. In the now. Buddhism relentlessly drives us towards the now.
Zen Buddhists say that there’s no goal to meditation. Meditation isn’t a vehicle to get you somewhere. It’s the destination. Meditation is direct experiencing in-the-moment.
That said, I will honor the question’s phasing and write about the “Buddhist perspective” on being ugly.
Which is that you can’t “be ugly,” because there’s no “you” to be ugly. There’s no such person. There’s no “I.” There’s no “self.” The self is an illusion. So, without a self, who could possibly be ugly?
What you actually are is everything you see, hear, taste, smell, and feel (body sensations.) So, are you saying that when you’re standing in front of the Grand Canyon, the ocean, or Matisse’s Water Lillies, it’s ugly? Because it is you.
You see this, right? Since you see it, it’s you. Is it ugly?
You are also plastic garbage bags (if they’re in experience right now), vomit, dog shit, and so on. Everything in experience is who you actually are. Who your thoughts tell you that you are—that limited, constricted, “self”—is not who you actually are. Look around the room. Take in everything. What can be seen. What can be heard. What can be felt… All of that is you.
None of which denies the existence of the “I am ugly” thoughts and feelings. They definitely occur. They are just more aspects of direct experience. So, right now, there may be a sound of a dog barking in the distance, the smell of hand soap, the sight of the living room, and the thought “I’m ugly.” Those are all aspects of direct experience.
We tend to identity with thoughts. Meaning, we think the thought “I’m ugly” is more “us” than the sight of the living room. It’s not.
Thoughts are just thoughts. That doesn’t mean they’re trivial or not-trivial. “Trivial” and “not-trivial” are more thoughts. In fact, everything just is. An atomic bomb just is. An ant just is. The thought “I’m ugly” just is. The “I’m ugly” thought isn’t the same thing as being ugly**. There’s no one to be ugly.
There may be all sorts of other thoughts and feelings that piggyback on “I’m ugly.”
“I’ll never find a partner.”
“No one will ever love me.”
“Everyone is disgusted by me.”
“I hate myself.”
Yes. Thoughts arise.
In meditation, we observe thoughts (body sensations, sights, sounds …) arising and fading away, arising and fading away, arising and fading away. We practice letting them come, without resistance. Without trying to change then or stop them.
“I’m ugly” is a really powerful and persistent set of recurring thoughts for many people. That’s certainly true for me. Whenever there’s something powerful and persistent (“I’m ugly…” “I’m going to die…” “The people I love are going to die …” “What if I lose my job?…”) that’s where to go in meditation. Not away from it; towards it; into it. Without trying to change it or stop it.
“I’m ugly” is an incredible object of meditation. It may feel shitty, but it’s an amazing gift to a meditation practice. It’s a doorway into Buddhism. So, while meditation, become aware of the “I’m ugly” thoughts and—this is very important—any associated body sensations. Observe them as carefully as possible, for as long as they persist.
Don’t resist them. Don’t try to put them out of your mind. Don’t counter them with a pep talk. Just observe them. Let them be. Welcome them.
Or, if you can’t help resisting them, as is often the case, observe the resistance without trying to change or stop it.
Sometimes there’s resistance to resistance. “Dammit! I know that in meditation you’re not supposed to resist anything, and here I am doing it!” That’s okay. Observe the resistance to the resistance. Whatever comes up—whatever appears in awareness—observe it.
When you realize you’ve stopped observing—when, for instance, you’ve gotten caught up in a daydream—that’s fine. That’s good. Acknowledge it and then return to observing.
* Which is really ass-backwards, as practice is what’s paramount in Buddhism. You don’t practice to be a Buddhist. You use Buddhist instruction to learn how to practice and support your practice. Some would disagree, but I’d say a “non-practicing Buddhist” (e.g. one who doesn’t meditate) is a contradiction in terms. Perhaps “I am a Buddhist practitioner” is a better way of saying it.
** “I’m attractive … I’m beautiful … I’m sexy …” (as will as “I’m smart … I’m talented … I’m successful … I’m kind …”) are also just thoughts.
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