Tuesday, February 20, 2007

'TIS CARNIVAL IN VENICE ON MARDI GRAS!


















Last February, Sara, Sophie and I went on a week grand tour to Venice, Budapest and Prague by car that took us a total mileage of about 2500 from Brussels. For the past three years, it has somehow become a tradition to go down to Italy for the Mardi Gras. With the increasing demand on Venice at this time of the year, it's likely impossible to get accommodations at a short notice within the 50 miles range, unless there are last-minute cancellations. Fortunately, we were able to get a room at the same pension of last year near the train station in Mestre, some 3 miles from Venice. The weather was unusually bright for the carnival festivities on Sunday. We're just too lucky to be able to get seats on a less crowded train and mingled with locals who were dressed in colorful gypsy costumes and Austrian military uniforms to whom I obliged a couple of hand readings or so. What a surprise to see all of those people arriving and waiting for their turns to board the vaporetto (ferry). I could imagine how all those trains must have been diverted to Venice that day and at frequent intervals. It was like a circus! In order not to miss the main attractions or freeze slowly in the cold, we hastily decided to go directly to Piazza San Marco on foot. The array of masks and costumes this year was fantastic and superb. I was so overwhelmed by the state of the art of their presentation and the richness of their colors that made me ran out of superlatives and dried up my throat from gasping. Although I was somewhat embarrassed, I felt intimidated but thrilled to wear a simple woolen poncho and mixed with the participants and beat the biting wintry air at the same time. I even thought of donning an authentic Japanese ceremonial mask as an extra attraction but Sara dissuaded me to do so because it would not only be too fragile to survive the trip but would also look ridiculous on me! Anyway, who'd notice the difference? I'll think of something shocking and original next time. What about an aging scuba diver in a skimpy bikini on a sub-zero temperature? Or a vulgarly dressed trainer in an imitation leopard tight strapped on the back of a stuffed lion? It would surely make Bernstein puke like a Viennese choirboy who stole his first lick on somebody's lollypop. Who cares? This is the only time of the year when one can dare to manifest his innermost fantasies and urges without being obnoxious, n'est-ce pas?

Touring Venice on a slightly overcast afternoon, particularly when the sun begins to set, could make an artist out of an ordinary mortal to admire its beauty and splendor as its golden reflection blends with its landscape and surroundings on the horizon. Although it could have long been a sentiment of déjà-vu, I still couldn't help but be carried away in awe by the mysterious glow of its magical sights and the sounds of laughter of the crowd on that special occasion. The stroll along the narrow alleys and around the canals was a highly enriching cultural experience. The old buildings must have undergone series of renovations, but they still keep their original architectural features throughout the centuries. The turnout this year must have doubled and there was hardly room to move comfortably or take pictures freely. What's even worst was when we reached the main bridge leading to the train station on our way back. Apparently, the crowd could have been at a standstill for a long while because I overheard from somebody in passing that it took him an hour to cross such a short bridge! The only alternative I saw was to swim across the canal if it were humanly possible to get through to the quay without getting hurt or being trampled! It's too scary for the first time to see how the local police force was called in to direct traffic in and out of the narrow alleys. There was certainly no way for safety whatsoever in case a panic breaks out. Finally, I was relieved when the policemen arrived to divert us to a private alley that leads to the train terminals. On the other hand, getting into an overcrowded train could be more chaotic than in a Tokyo subway during rush hours. It could also be a maddening experience unless one enjoys being a masochist of getting the thrill being squeezed or groped by perfect strangers. Or, it could even turn into a nightmare if he ever comes face to face with a grinning and foul-smelling monster that wouldn't hesitate to make a break the minute he has the opportunity! Comparing the pros and the cons of getting the kick out of such a pandemonium, I wonder if it was really worthwhile to travel that far and go through a wild goose chase in order to satisfy an inner urge to make an once-in-a-lifetime dream come true, regardless how crazy it could be!

We left Italy for Hungary early Monday morning under a pouring rain. It was already snowing heavily before we reached the Austrian border. Surprisingly, we found driving in a blizzard very difficult and dangerous. Without any previous experience and the necessary equipment on hand under such a condition, we nearly panicked when our car got stuck on the roadside and nobody cared to stop to bail us out. We tried all the tricks to free the car, but we seemed to be stuck for good. As a last ditch, we cleared with our hands and feet all the snow that had accumulated and put the car carpets under the front tires. What a relief when we finally managed to move the car! But some 20 miles further, however, our car skidded across the icy road. I drove moderately fast inside the tunnel and the car went out of control at the exit that I thought it would roll over. Fortunately, there wasn't much traffic and I succeeded to maneuver and stop it a few inches before it hit the guardrail at the edge of a precipice! I didn't know how much snow had fallen that day but I already thought of going back to Brussels directly if it didn't stop snowing. During the slow drive, I decided to continue because I supposed the road condition everywhere in Central Europe was the same. After all these commotions we made it to the Hungarian border before dark. There wasn't fresh snow on the road, but Budapest was about 200 miles from the border and somehow it was too late to proceed directly. So, we spent the night in a pension in Vesprem. We originally planned to stay in Budapest for a day or two to sightsee and shop around. But with a gray and freezing weather, it wasn't the best time to visit the city. It must have taken us more than an hour to get across the traffic lights on the main thoroughfares. I had to park briefly in front of a bank while Sara and Sophie rushed inside to change money. We searched for pensions in the suburbs, but in vain. I suppose they must have closed shop for the season. Much to our regret, we just had to leave Budapest after circling it for half a day, but planned to come back when the weather would be warmer and brighter.

It was like a homecoming when we got to Prague the next day. We seemed to have gotten lost our way again and went around the city for an hour searching for the pension where we last stayed. After a long tiring drive and continuous bickering on wrong directions, we had to contend ourselves with a two-night accommodation in a university residence where we stayed during our first visit in 1994. As the city transportation is cheap and frequent, we decided to leave the car behind. We were able to get to the places we wanted to see and the souvenirs to buy in one day. There wasn't the usual crowd on the famous Charles Bridge at this time of the year, but there were a considerable number of tourists in the old town. We hope to stay longer next time to be able to see other sights and shop at ease. Visiting three cities and driving across eight European countries in seven days proved to be so exhausting that a week wouldn't suffice to get a complete rest and be back to normal.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

IT'S TIME FOR A JOKE!

HOW OLD AM I?

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.

Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.

The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".

"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.

She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"

The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."


TERRIBLE NEWS

This guy was sitting in his attorney's office.

His lawyer said, "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?"

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."


DO YOU KNOW ME?

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"


COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.

Monday, February 12, 2007

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday, January 28, 2007

Men on Film In Living Color

Damon Wayans and David Alan Grier give video reviews as Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriwether.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

WELCOME TO BRUSSELS!



Click on the image, turn on the volume and discover the sights and beauty of Brussels!

Monday, January 15, 2007

PHILIPPINES, LAND OF ENCHANTMENTS



Click on the video, turn on the volume and discover the beauty of the Philippines.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

SPRINGBREAK SURPRISE


Springbreak Surprize
Video sent by gordonvaughn

Sunday, January 07, 2007

LABELS OF STUPIDITY...

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

  1. On Sears hair dryer: "Do not use while sleeping." [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!]
  2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special.]
  3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?]
  4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion.]
  5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." [Oops, too late!]
  6. On Marks and Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." [As sure as night follows the day.]
  7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
  8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
  9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [One would hope.]
  10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?]
  11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." [I gotta admit, I'm curious.]
  12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." [NEWS FLASH!]
  13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta.]
  14. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly". [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
  15. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals". [Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? Good grief!]

Friday, December 22, 2006

Saturday, October 14, 2006

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM...

A guy is 81 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his

boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

*
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he

was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
*
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

*
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.

Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you

have ever seen. I'll then give you more sexual pleasure that you

ever could have dreamed of."

*
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over,

picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

*
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will l give you sexual pleasures like you have never had."

*
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Sunday, October 01, 2006

WHO'S AFRAID OF MID-LIFE?

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life
brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.


Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.

We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now for the body you had way back when?


Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!