Consider the two photos above, both of the same man. You tell me: How important is your appearance? (EDIT: These photos are part of a series by photographer Joel Pares, Judging America )
The fact of life is this: You don't get a second chance to make a first impression. Your appearance communicates all manner of information about you. Over time, people will get to know you for who you are. But when you first meet them, all they know is what they see.
When I was a young man, I worked as a reporter in an affluent metropolitan area. I covered hundreds of court cases there, and it was a cnstant struggle to read files on cases, and get information from the court clerk's staff, even though I was legally entitled to it. I got to know several of the judges, and offhandedly griped about it to one of them.
He explained that the clerk's staff was very efficient about getting information for the attorneys who needed it, because that's what they saw as being their job. I joked that it didn't help me because I wasn't an attorney. The judge just smiled. "You don't have to be an attorney, you just have to look like one." I started dressing like the attorneys, got shirts with monogrammed sleeves, etc. I learned to ask for records like the attorneys. Sure enough, files were handed over instantly. Because I looked the part. I got scoops on other reporters because my access increased -- because of my appearance.
I was never impressed by appearances. But what I learned was, almost everybody else is. It increased my effectiveness by an order of magnitude. But it's not just what you wear, but how you wear it. Your speech, posture, attitude, all either support a certain impression or detract from it. And the results can be very powerful. People remember who you are. And it's a positive memory.
A great deal of the mechanical functioning of the world is dependent upon folks who can use their discretion to assist you or impede you. They're often overworked and under-appreciated. They can't help everybody. If a dozen people need a favor, who are they most likely to assist -- the person who looks nice, smiles at them, and compliments something about them, or the person who is disheveled, unshaven and growls at them? They can make your day a little better -- and you can make his or hers a little better.
Anyone who has worked in a professional environment has watched an attractive woman use a smile to open doors. What many don't realize is that the same tactic can work for men. Numerous times a smile and a compliment got me favors. The ethical line is to never promise anything you're not willing to deliver.
Here's a couple of tips garnered from three decades of working with public officials, bureaucrats and real people....
- Learn how to stand up straight. Put your shoulders back and suck in your gut. There should be a hollow in the small of your back. You look stronger, more powerful. Guess what? You'll actually start to feel better. If you exercise, concentrate on your core body, shoulders and legs.
- Look people in the eye. Want the attention of someone you find attractive on the opposite side of the room? Make eye contact, smile slightly, then look away. Flirting is powerful, but must be understated. Want to intimidate someone? Scan the room, let your eyes rest on your target, make eye contact, nod slightly, then keep scanning.
- Don't. Raise. Your. Voice. Want to get everyone's attention? Don't speak more loudly, speak more quietly. Make them work to hear you. On the rare occasions when you do raise your voice it will have real impact.
- Learn to speak in public. I'm an introvert by nature (INTJ, if you follow such things), and quite content to be utterly by myself. But I regularly speak publicly, conduct training classes for large groups of people, and have debated others on TV. More than once, someone has said to me "You're a natural at this!" No, I'm not. In fact it's extremely unnatural to me. But you can become skillful at anything you practice long enough. Practice trumps talent almost every time.
- Learn to be calm. Be the eye of the storm. Nothing communicates power like mastering your emotions when all around you is chaos. Calmness is a learned trait. It comes from being centered emotionally, mentally and spiritually.
Many years ago, I was in a high-pressure executive development program in which one of the exercises was to play the roles of senior executives in a company and survive an onsite visit (a kind of inquisition that could end your career) from a team of corporate VPs. But the folks playing the VPs actually were the corporate VPs who performed the visits. And they weren't nice.
I played the role of the president of a fictional company. I had a staff of four other folks who were my local VPs. They handed us a 400-page document representing the budget, projections and various records of a fictitious company that we supposedly managed. Each of "my" VPs was supposed to give a presentation. Each one was flayed. They were beaten up, got flustered. One of them, a very talented woman who was trying to cope with a family tragedy, ran out of the room in tears.
Then it was my turn. I couldn't possibly know everything that was in the 400-page document, but I knew the important details -- how much we made and how much we spent and our rate of profitability. I winged the rest.
I understood the business, so I made up answers to their questions. Then, the guy in charge (an infamous hardass, who, in reality, was the boss of the president of the company that I worked for), stomped up and demanded that I get rid of the woman who left the room in tears.
I demurred. "I understand your concerns. That's not what we expect from one of our executives. Here's why I'm certain she can be salvaged..." I calmly stared into his eyes and made up some shit to explain the less-than-stellar performance in her department. And then I ended with, "She's never behaved like this before, but I know she hasn't slept well in weeks. Her daughter has cancer."
He scowled, stomped away, and before he left the room, without looking at me, he asked, "Is that last bit true?"
"Yes."
He "harumphed" and stomped out (he seemed to be big on stomping).
I was simply wrung out. I had practiced martial arts since I was a child and had fought with real swords before, and that was far less mentally exhausting. My next stop was the men's room, where I silently pondered where I was going to look for a new job. Then the guy who ran the program walked in.
He chuckled, then clapped me on the back. "You passed. You were the only one they couldn't shake. "
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