CHILDREN

6 Reasons Not To Mess With Children

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

It doesn't matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it made you laugh, your friends will laugh too..

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneeze, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original "point and click" interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.
Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

REPLICA OF NOAH'S ARK

Working Replica of Noah's Ark Opened In SCHAGEN, Netherlands .

Man Builds Noah's Ark to the exact scale given in the Bible



The massive central door in the side of Noah's Ark was opened the first crowd of curious townsfolk to behold the wonder. This replica of the biblical Ark was built by Dutch Creationist Johan Huibers as a testament to his faith in the literal truth of the Bible.



The ark is 150 cubits long, 30 cubits high and 20 cubits wide. That's two-thirds the length of a football field and as high as a three-story house.





Life-sized models of giraffes, elephants, lions, crocodiles, zebras, bison and other animals greet visitors as they arrive in the main hold.




A contractor by trade, Huibers built the ark of cedar and pine. Biblical Scholars debate exactly what the wood used by Noah would have been.



Huibers did the work mostly with his own hands, using modern tools and with occasional help from his son Roy. Construction began in May 2005. On the uncovered top deck - not quite ready in time for the opening - will come a petting zoo, with baby lambs and chickens, and goats, and one camel.



Visitors on the first day were stunned. 'It's past comprehension', said Mary Louise Starosciak, who happened to be bicycling by with her husband while on vacation when they saw the ark looming over the local landscape.



'I knew the story of Noah, but I had no idea the boat would have been so big ' There is enough space near the keel for a 50-seat film theater where kids can watch a video that tells the story of Noah and his ark. Huibers, a Christian man, said he hopes the project will renew interest in Christianity in the Netherlands, where church going has fallen dramatically in the past 50 years.



Now that I am old and Gray...give me the time to tell This new generation (and their children too) About all your mighty miracles.

Psalm 71:18

MAXINE'S LAST WILL

This may be the best 

Living Will I've Seen

I,(_Ginny Lee____________ ) being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.   Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.   If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following: Glass of wine Chocolate Margarita Sex Martini Cold Beer  Chocolate Chicken fried steak Cream gravy Sex Mexican food Chocolate French fries Chocolate Pizza Sex Ice cream Cup of tea Chocolate Chocolate Sex Chocolate  It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, let the 'fat lady sing,' and call it a day! Then Have a Drink   IT'S 5 O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

SURPRISING GEOGRAPHY FACTS

Alaska

More than half of the coastline of the entire United States is in Alaska .


Amazon

The Amazon rainforest produces more than 20% the world's oxygen supply.

The Amazon River pushes so much water into the Atlantic Ocean that, more than one hundred miles at sea off the mouth of the river, one can dip fresh water out of the ocean. The volume of water in the Amazon river is greater than the next eight largest rivers in the world combined and three times the flow of all rivers in the United States .

Antarctica

Antarctica is the only land on our planet that is not owned by any country.

Ninety percent of the world's ice covers Antarctica . This ice also represents seventy percent of all the fresh water in the world. As strange as it sounds, however, Antarctica is essentially a desert. The average yearly total precipitation is about two inches Although covered with ice (all but 0.4% of it, ice.), Antarctica is the driest place on the planet, with an absolute humidity lower than the Gobi desert.


Brazil

Brazil got its name from the nut, not the other way around.


Canada

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined. Canada is an Indian word meaning ' Big Village .'


Chicago

Next to Warsaw , Chicago has the largest Polish population in the world.


Detroit

Woodward Avenue in Detroit, Michigan, carries the designation M-1, so named because it was the first paved road anywhere.


Damascus, Syria

Damascus, Syria, was flourishing a couple of thousand years before Rome was founded in 753 BC, making it the oldest continuously inhabited city in existence.


Istanbul, Turkey

Istanbul, Turkey, is the only city in the world located on two continents.


Los Angeles

Los Angele's full name is El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula -- and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: L.A.


New York City

The term 'The Big Apple' was coined by touring jazz musicians of the 1930's who used the slang expression 'apple' for any town or city. Therefore, to play New York City is to play the big time - The Big Apple.

There are more Irish in New York City than in Dublin , Ireland ; more Italians in New York City than in Rome, Italy ; and more Jews in New York City than in Tel Aviv, Israel .


Ohio

There are no natural lakes in the state of Ohio , everyone is manmade.


Pitcairn Island

The smallest island with country status is Pitcairn in Polynesia , at just 1.75 sq. miles/4,53 sq. km.


Rome

The first city to reach a population of 1 million people was Rome , Italy in 133 B.C. There is a city called Rome on every continent.


Siberia

Siberia contains more than 25% of the world's forests.


S.M.O.M .
<http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereign_Military_Order_of_Malta>
The actual smallest sovereign entity in the world is the Sovereign Military Order of Malta <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sovereign_Military_Order_of_Malta> (S.M.O.M). It is located in the city of Rome, Italy, has an area of two tennis courts, and as of 2001 has a population of 80, 20 less people than the Vatican. It is a sovereign entity under international law, just as the Vatican is.


Sahara Desert

In the Sahara Desert , there is a town named Tidikelt , Algeria , which did not receive a drop of rain for ten years.
Technically though, the driest place on Earth is in the valleys of the Antarctic near Ross Island . There has been no rainfall there for two million years.


Spain

Spain literally means 'the land of rabbits.'


St. Paul , Minnesota

St. Paul, Minnesota , was originally called Pig's Eye after a man named Pierre 'Pig's Eye' Parrant who set up the first business there.


Roads

Chances that a road is unpaved in the U.S.A : 1%, in Canada : 75%


Russia

The deepest hole ever drilled by man is the Kola Superdeep Borehole, in Russia . It reached a depth of 12,261 meters (about 40,226 feet or 7.62 miles). It was drilled for scientific research and gave up some unexpected discoveries, one of which was a huge deposit of hydrogen - so massive that the mud coming from the hole was “boiling” with it.


United States

The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.


Waterfalls

The water of Angel Falls (the World's highest) in Venezuela drops 3,212 feet (979 meters). They are 15 times higher than Niagara Falls .




I have always said , you should learn something new every day.
Unfortunately, many of us are at that age where what we learn today, we forget tomorrow.

But, give it a shot anyway.