This is an intensely personal question and I cannot answer on behalf of anyone else, only on behalf of myself. So I will try and do so here, to the best of my — admittedly, limited — ability.
The simple truth is that I simply feel… happier, when I believe in God. Whereas to embrace doubt, for me, opens me up to dark, confusing and rather forlorn thoughts.
The harsh notion of a cold, dark and unforgiving universe, infinitely vast and with all of us being not only infinitely small and insignificant, but completely and utterly random? That just fills me with dread. The randomness, our existence being nothing but a fluke of nature, a happy little accident.
Like a diver, going down into an abyss, with nothing but dark blue nothingness as far as the eye reaches… and whenever I see hopeless places, and get hopeless thoughts, I feel this need to seek comfort. Comfort no human being has truly provided me with since early childhood. Comfort the arms a hundred women couldn’t give me, comfort all the money in the world would fail to grant me. No, I seek it higher. Our parents die, as do our grandparents. Sometimes we even lose spouses, children. But God is eternal. He never leaves, never abandons us. He’s just… there. Waiting. Observing.
And perhaps He is some sort of Eldritch horror, a Lovecraftian monstrosity far beyond any of our comprehension. The fatherly patriach of heaven and earth we’re presented with in the Bible isn’t necessarily God as He truly is formed. We don’t know — I certainly don’t. But the existence of something, some higher form, something grander, more powerful than us, it soothes me. Being created lovingly, or lovelessly, but with a purpose, at least. I need that. Need there to be a purpose. And in God, however which way I perceive Him (which varies), I find that purpose.
No, I cannot give you a reason that will be compelling to YOU, dear reader. But I can tell you what compelled me. It’s the unimaginable horror of nothingness. Of the “circle of life” itself being nothing but overgrown bacteria in a globe-sized petri dish… I need a greater being to have created it. I need a designer, a Father, a Creator. Because part of me resists, fiercely, this notion of being a fluke, a random bunch of atoms shaped like what we call man. I need more. And in God, I find this “more”.
No comments:
Post a Comment