I can’t shop at Costco anymore

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Shahzeb Speaks

 

Mon

I can’t shop at Costco anymore.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a big bag of Purina dog food for my dog, Necco, the Wonder Dog, who weighs 191 pounds. I was standing in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had—an elephant?

Since I’m retired and don’t have much to do, I decided to joke with her. I told her no, I didn’t have a dog. I said I was starting the Purina Diet again. I explained that I probably shouldn’t, because the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital. But before that, I had lost 50 pounds, until I woke up in the intensive care unit with tubes coming out of almost every hole in my body and IVs in both arms.

I told her the diet was simple: you fill your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and just eat one or two whenever you feel hungry. The food has all the nutrients you need, so it works well, and I thought I would try it again.

(By this point, almost everyone in line was listening to my story.)

She looked shocked and asked if I landed in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no—the problem was that I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

The man behind her nearly had a heart attack from laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore.

Be careful what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to come up with wild answers.

Share this with your retired friends… it will make their day.