I am the OP and I feel like I owe some of you some explanation. First, thank you for answering and sorry for being a negative person. This question was meant to be rhetorical honestly, I just wanted an outlet.
My depression is not rooted on financial plight. I have a stable job albeit I didn’t like it. Actually, I can’t think of a job that I like anymore, I just want to leave the country and maybe do some menial jobs as long as it’s in the First World liberal country. I earn decently here. I have a degree from UP and it's a shame because UP pressures us to contribute to the country and be nationalistic. Forgive me. I strive to be better just to enrich my credentials. It has been my goal since childhood to live in a different place. I’m already a 30 years old man. I intentionally avoided to have my own family because I am thinking that it will be an obstacle to my goal of leaving this place. Being rich is not even my goal.
As time goes by, I’ve grown to hate the Philippines. I don't simply fit culturally. I have only few friends. Half of them are already migrating. My ideologies are liberal, I am atheist and I have weak tolerance of hot weather. As you see, I am already extremely incompatible with the Philippine environment. I might also add that I'm bisexual. I hate the Philippine culture but I can’t honestly point out which specifically. Maybe their unrealistic happiness by not taking something seriously? Maybe I have observed a lot of corrupted people who are ready to cheat, kill and rob anyone. Maybe their ignorance of other religion and sexuality? Maybe my hate has become seriously irrational. Heck I don't even like the food here. I will not even talk about the government, it attracts a lot of debate. And no, I am not anti-government just to be clear. The news and crimes add to my depression as well. Just seeing someone cuts the line makes me sad. Just seeing someone throw rubbish around makes me sad. Rude and arrogant drivers make me sad. Most elites I see in the Philippines are selfish and have high self-importance. Then pair this to the country's Christian fundamentalism and you have hipocrisy at its finest. I know other countries are not paradise where these do not exist. I just don't want to own it, to claim it as my culture. I'm better without identity than being related to those. Besides, Filipinos have no global groundbreaking contribution and significance where we can be proud of.
I’m used to living alone. I don't care if I will be considered as a second class citizen as long as they let me live. I don't even mind an occasional racist encounter. I guess, that's the price I have to pay. I don't even want to meet a Filipino in other country because most of the time, they pull you down. We had a maid who married a Canadian and now she is there, how I wish I was her instead. That's how pathetic and desperate I am. I have deep insecurities. I envy Filipinos who live in other countries without even going to university. I envy Filipino children who can instantly be with their migrating parents. Or anyone who their relatives abroad help them come to their territory.
Again I apologize, for these thoughts are very toxic.
No comments:
Post a Comment