"This woman in this picture is me. But..For my look, I was bullied whole of my life time in Indonesia.
Going back to when I was 7 years old, I have this scary memory with me, from a little village somewhere around Toba Lake. I lived in this small village with around 14 houses, so people know each other very well. My family was the poorest. Then, I had 2 sisters and one little baby brother. My parents could never afford new clothes so as second child i used my older sister’s, and that goes for my other siblings, too.
When I started school everyone had new uniform except myself. Too big shoes, that sometimes I tumbled, my clothes looked worn out. Children were laughing at me at school especially at my hair because my dad cut them before I started school. However I did not pay attention to them. It was the adult who were worse. They also laughed and picked on me by saying stuff at me. They had a nickname for me and other children from the village picked up the nickname and brought home to the village. The whole village called me that name and then one day this worst nightmare happened.
I was outside collecting some leaves to create a windwirl toy. Then about two meters away I saw my neighbor came with a machete in his right hand. He was coming home, of course for lunch time. Out of nothing he started running while shouting my nickname with a devilish laughter and raised his machete as if he was going to kill me. My direct reaction was crying and scared. So, I ran towards home crying in fear. My house was only one meter and a half away but from two houses I passed by came out laughter. My father came out of the house as he heard me, and ran to take me in his arms. Then, he just took me home.
For a year after that event, I faced that kind of humiliation in that village.
Then, my family decided to send me to the city living with my mother’s brother. Of course it was not for only that one reason. I got sick a lot and it is almost 7km distance to school. In a brief I thought my life would get better.
I was 8 years old when I moved in with my uncle and his family. I got new clothes and new stuffs when I went to local elementary school. I was happy that my hair wasn’t cut like boys as my dad did, so I was hopeful that I would not get bullied. NO! Students still laugh at the way I look. They called me a skinny horse, a walking skeleton, a monkey and so on. I was very skinny, yes. And I had ponytail hair then.
Then as I grew up, I was scared of people. I did not talk much. I avoided people. I hated being called stuff and being laughed at. That, did not change until I finished my bachelor degree. Then adulthood hit, people always said I was ugly because I don’t look anything like my sisters. People always commented negatively on my skin color (having white skin means “beautiful” in Indonesia), on my height, and on my weight. So as an adult, I never wanted anything but to be accepted as human being.
One thing that helped me getting through that was knowledge. I tried to be good at any subjects since elementary. I read as much as possible whenever I encounter books even tho I could not afford to buy one. Books were my escape. I did make some good friends in high school (then separated after gradution) but they could not protect me from all the people.
While writing this, my tears roll down because pictures of people who mocked me popping up behind my eyes.
I am sharing this, in hope, that people should learn to say nice things to others eventhough their look is not to our liking. Because we do not know what horror their soul had lived.
-Ocha
Edit:
(Whoops! I'm in tears because all of the encouragement you all sent me)
Dear every one of you,
With all sincerity, I want to hug all of you for giving me so much warmth, lights, and encouragement. I feel them. Reading all of your comments: I sobbed. I giggled. I smiled broadly. Cried again—many of you went through the same thing and please know that I feel your pain—but most of all, it’s all good feeling, feeling warm and joy. This means the world to me. I’m happy that I didn’t give up on people.
Wherever you are today, either it’s snowy, windy, rainy, sunny, ..or you are sitting in a bus, laying in bed or couch, or sitting in a corner of a corridor like me, please feel and receive my thanks that I sent out through the wind, the sky, the trees.. I send a piece of my heart to all of you.
Just so you know, I have found my place. I moved to France in 2016 to pursue my master degree and finished it in 2021. In a way, life became easier in Europe. I got many help both from the state and from french people. I have met people who said that I have great smile, that I’m beautiful, that I have nice complexion.. I also have met people that harrassed me on the street, that tried to take advantage of me.. I just, think it is just the world trying to shape me to be the-human-bean I am today. ^_^ I’m in Sweden now. I’m not done learning and I’m open to everything.
So, I am not in that place anymore.
Although I came back two years ago to my family because I lost one of my most loved little brother to an untreated epilepsy. I came back broken. (One of my biggest reason to move to Europe was to earn a lot of money so that I could bring him to have treatment). Guess right, people still commented on my look. Of course, I don’t change much, I just get older everyday, what do they expect? Should I go through plastic surgery? Bet they will still comment on it.
To those who think that I’m seeking attention, I do not understand your point. I shared my story to reach out to people so that we don’t become monsters or cruel human. It’s also a very difficult story for me to tell, because I feel my pain again, I see the scared little me, the powerless girl. You just do not understand my point—you know, I was always suspicious of people who complimented me because my whole life I was only told negative things. So I never believed people before. See, how much damage this had caused me.
Again, to everyone, from this little corner, I’m very hopeful. I raise my bottle of water to all of you.
With warmth,
-Ocha"
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